Broken Barrier
by Cheeseburger of Doom
Summary: Typical Tsuzuki x Hisoka thing. Does it ever get old? Not really...


Broken Barrier

A/N and Disclaimer: I don't own Yami no Matsuei, and I also don't own the rights to the lyrics I used. The song is "Anti-Nostalgic" from Gravitation. The translations were found at this web address:

This is just a short little fanfic that takes place just after the end of the series. There's probably ten billion plus fics like this, but here's my contribution.

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"Transparency dyes the night sky, and I walk alone on the road that always leads me home."

"Singing to myself, I want to send these kinds of feelings to you in your sleep..."

Even though he'd once begged and pleaded Tsuzuki to stay behind, and had made his emotions known; still, Hisoka chose to shut himself off from most of the world for most of the time. It was a bit -- no, a lot -- frustrating.

Was he serious, that time? Does he really want me around that much?

He cried over me. He told me that I'm human to him...I've seen that side of him. I want him to open up more, because...

Because I'm in love with him.

For Tsuzuki, it was easy to have those kind of emotions. He'd become emotionally attached to people he'd encountered on cases more than once. He cared too much about everybody, and he knew it. Falling in love with humans was against the rules.

But falling for another shinigami?

It's different, this time.

The depth of feeling was so much more. Tsuzuki's thoughts, more often than not were of Hisoka, and those glowing green eyes of his.

What could he do about it though? Hisoka acted as though nothing had ever happened between them; as if he'd never admitted to asking Tsuzuki to stay by his side.

It was an obsession that was driving Tsuzuki slowly to insanity. He knew that he couldn't push Hisoka, or Hisoka would only push him even further away.

All he could do was wait.

He had time, after all; immortals have plenty of time for waiting...but human hearts are impatient.

~~~~~

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"I'm tangled up in something; I'm getting a little sick of myself -- tangled up in the feelings to convey to those days that have been left behind...The heart I've forgotten somewhere is starting to hurt a little. I keep searching for you in a night lit by the stars that are bound to that time."

Hisoka heaved yet another long-suffering sigh. He was getting tired of nights like this; nights when there was really nothing else to do but think. Ever since the time Tsuzuki had almost given up and died, thinking had become an uncomfortable task.

I told him I needed him. I almost told him that...

I don't need anyone. I'm fine alone.

But if Tsuzuki had died...

Hisoka really, really hated this kind of thought. He also hated the blush that spread across his cheeks as he thought of Tsuzuki; of Tsuzuki smiling, Tsuzuki laughing, Tsuzuki eating with food all over his face...that look on his face whenever he ate something sweet...Tsuzuki with his shirt hanging open, laughing about something, looking embarrassed...that little blush on his cheeks...

No, don't think about *that*!

Why is it always like this? Can't it just stay like it was? It was fine before. I started to feel like I belonged somewhere, that maybe someone cared about me. That was enough, wasn't it?

But I want...

I don't *want* feelings like that! Damn him; I can feel this sort of emotion from him, and it's affecting me...

Does that mean that he...

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Don't say it...

Loves...

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No, don't even think it!

Me?

Why...why me?

"Because we're partners!" he'd say. I don't get it at all.

~~~~~

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"I place my feelings on the receding clouds on the road home, where I pause to stand."

"You are already a part of my continuing dreams; I know that (those feelings) can't possibly reach you from here."

It was nice just to be sitting with Hisoka, enjoying the boy's company. He was good company, if he kept his mouth shut.

Oh, you love his attitude and you know it, Tsuzuki's inner voice said mercilessly.

"The stars from here are beautiful. Well, they're beautiful from anywhere, but tonight I like them the best," Tsuzuki said, with a smile.

"It's nice."

It was hard to decipher just what Hisoka though was nice, but it was nice that he was enjoying at least some part of being with Tsuzuki.

He talks in riddles sometimes...that boy.

"Hisoka, I have something to ask you." Tsuzuki was tired of waiting; tired of waiting for Hisoka to sort himself out. It seemed he would never have the guts to say anything without prompting.

"Hn? About what?"

It was impossible to read the emotions in those twin pools of emerald; impossible to determine what Hisoka was thinking...but words needed to be said anyway, no matter what.

"How do you feel about me exactly, Hisoka? Things have been tense between us, and...It's getting to me. We should set things straight."

Hisoka shifted uncomfortably. He hated the emotion he could feel coming from Tsuzuki; it was far too confusing.

All my life, I've never felt anything like this...I've been alone, tortured, hated, feared...

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"The tears keep falling; just by being able to be close to you, I'm starting to want to smile, just a little."

"So, Hisoka...what do I mean to you?" Tsuzuki was very, very close. Hisoka felt cornered. His back was against the wall, and Tsuzuki's arm was by his head. Hisoka's heart was pounding in his ears.

"I...You..."

Tsuzuki searched the boy's eyes. He still couldn't figure him out.

"What if...I were to kiss you, right now? What would you do?" He wanted very, very badly to kiss Hisoka...so badly...

Hisoka just shook his head vaguely. No, don't do that, don't do that...

But Tsuzuki did it. Hisoka's mind whirled, and filled with Tsuzuki's thoughts.

Devotion...

Obsession...

Passion...

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Love...

All this for me? Why?

"Because you're you, and I love you."

You can hear me?

"We're connected, somehow. Through your powers, and this kiss. Hisoka...no more hiding from me, all right?"

I want to hide from this feeling, but...

I want to be with you.

What about the marks on my body, the curse? I don't want you to see that. I don't want you to see *me*...My body, or my mind...

"I can see you now; the real you, underneath all of the barriers. You want to be loved...I'll love you, if you'll let me."

Love...me?

"Yes. I love you..."

Love me. I've never...been loved...before...

Tsuzuki finally broke the kiss, and looked into Hisoka's eyes.

"You'll never be alone again, I promise you."

"Don't make promises easily," Hisoka said, in a dazed state.

"I don't, not anymore. I will keep this promise, no matter what."

Hisoka, almost unconsciously, wrapped his arms around Tsuzuki's neck and rested his head on Tsuzuki's shoulder.

Never alone again...

That sounds...

Nice.

He broke my barriers, he saw me; and he still loves me.

Of course I love him; somehow, I can't help it...

"Can I stay with you?" Hisoka asked. Tsuzuki had asked him the same question once. Hisoka meant something different by it; something more.

I want...I don't want to be alone anymore...

Tsuzuki was nodding. "Always. You can always stay with me."

Then they were kissing again.

This is what I really wanted. This feeling, even though it frightens me. I want to keep it, forever.

~~~~~

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"Someone asks questions; I'm starting to want this to make more sense. You cast those brilliant days into a fading shadow."

After that first kiss a few days earlier, Hisoka was hungry for more, but he was unsure of how to ask for it. He could feel Tsuzuki's emotions, and he could recognize lust; not the sick kind of lust like Muraki's had been; a kind of lust that allowed him to wait until Hisoka was ready....a kind of lust that Hisoka felt in himself. His emotions echoed Tsuzuki's.

The problem was that Tsuzuki was too sweet to approach Hisoka that way while he thought Hisoka wasn't ready. 

Hisoka was ready; but he had no idea of how to make that fact known.

He cursed his hormones many times over. It was far too frustrating to feel like this.

I wonder what it's like with the one you love, though...I wonder if it's...

Argh.

"Hisoka!"

Hisoka was startled out of his thoughts by the voice of the person he couldn't stop thinking about.

Tsuzuki put his arms around Hisoka from behind, and rested his chin on the blonde's head.

The closeness and comfort were amazing for Hisoka, who'd never felt anythign like it; not before Tsuzuki. Not that he was actually going to admit that out loud or anything. He didn't want to get too sappy and disgusting; he was too used to being anti-social.

They just stood that way for a while, until Hisoka said, "Did you want something?"

"Only to see you."

Hisoka felt tingles in his stomach; painful but wonderful. That was the feeling he got whenever Tsuzuki said something cheesy like that. Cheesy, but beautiful.

"Hisoka, are you all right? You've been acting a little strange lately."

Hisoka felt his cheeks heat in a blush, and was glad that Tsuzuki couldn't see his face.

"I...I'm fine."

"Do you mind when I hug you like this? Am I being too clingy?"

"N...no..."

"Nee, are you mad at me, Hisoka?"

"No, baka!"

"So tell me what's wrong? I'm not an empath, but I can tell that _something _has been upsetting you."

"Tsuzuki..."

Now would be the perfect opportunity to bring up his problem...if only he knew how.

"You don't have to say anything if you really don't want to, but I'm here if you do."

"I just don't know how to..."

"How to what?"

"Explain...my feelings."

"Am I bothering you?"

"No! Well, maybe I little, because I want..."

"Space? I can give you space!"

"No! I want...more," Hisoka said, becoming thoroughly frustrated.

"Oh....oh!" Understanding lit up Tsuzuki's eyes. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure," Hisoka replied, blushing fiercely by now. Tsuzuki took his hand and led him away.

"We'll do this properly," he said. "Tonight we'll have dinner, and then...If you still want to, we'll have more." Tsuzuki dropped Hisoka off at Hisoka's room, kissed him, and disappeared somewhere.

Hisoka began to get nervous.

This is what I wanted, right? Tsuzuki, tonight...

Tonight.

~~~~~

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"I'm tangled up in something; I'm getting a little sick of myself-- tangled up in the feelings to convey to those days that have been left behind..."

Hisoka found the candlelit dinner set-up a little too cheesy, but Tsuzuki seemed to be enjoying it, so he put up with it. Anyway, it was Tsuzuki's room, and it was exciting.

It was worth the cheesy set-up when Tsuzuki began feeding him. It was even better when Hisoka returned the favour and began popping food into Tsuzuki's mouth, and Tsuzuki began sucking on his fingers.

A little while later, after they'd finished eating and some extensive kissing, they sat on the couch, Hisoka with his head in Tsuzuki's lap. It was quiet. Hisoka felt safe, and calm, and...aroused.

Tsuzuki was stroking his hair. Hisoka looked up at him; up at those beautiful violet eyes. Tsuzuki smiled at him, and kissed him softly. Hisoka found himself being manoeuvred, so that Tsusuzki was holding his legs. Tsuzuki removed Hisoka's socks, and began massaging his feet in small rhythmic circles. HIisoka's eyes shut of their own accord, because it felt wonderful.

"Are you ticklish, Hisoka?"

"No!" Hisoka replied. He actually had no idea. He really didn't feel like finding out, either...

Tsuzuki grinned evilly, and began to tickle Hisoka's feet. Hisoka broke down into highly un-manly giggles. Tsuzuki demanded him to beg for mercy, but Hisoka refused. Eventually, Tsuzuki's hands got tired of Hisoka's feet, and moved upwards, toying with the buttons on Hisoka's shirt.

"Are you sure about this?" he asked.

"I'm sure." Hisoka's heart was pounding, from the after-effects of laughing so hard, and from anticipation.

Tsuzuki undid each button one by one, slowly. His hands slid across Hisoka's chest, and Hisoka gasped when Tsuzuki's fingers brushed across his nipple. Tsuzuki slid the shirt off completely. 

Hisoka's hands were shaking as he tried to do the same with Tsuzuki's shirt. Tsuzuki undid the buttons for him, and Hisoka was face with Tsuzuki's bare chest. He didn't really know how to proceed, but all thoughts were dashed from his head anyway as Tsuzuki began kissing him, up and down his neck, nipping the skin occasionally.

Hisoka made small whimpering noises, and Tsuzuki's kisses got more and more fierce. His hands moved down to Hisoka's pants. They stopped in a silent question, and when Hisoka nodded, his pants were gone in short order. Tsuzuki's followed suit, and Hisoka realized that they were both quite naked. He felt a bashful, suddenly; his body was so slight, full of scars, and...

"Beautiful," Tsuzuki breathed into Hisoka's ear.

Hisoka shivered. Tsuzuki's emotions were threatening to overwhelm him.

"Beautiful..."

"Make love to me, Tsuzuki," Hisoka pleaded. Tsuzuki smiled at him sweetly, and led him to his bed. He had no more doubts whether or not Hisoka really wanted this; it was painfully obvious.

They collapsed onto the bed, kissing madly; touching each other in a million different places. Tsuzuki's own need was growing more urgent, and finally, he couldn't take it any longer. He decided to give Hisoka what he was silently begging for. 

Slowly, he entered the smaller boy; his partner, his lover...his love.

Tsuzuki proved to Hisoka just how it could feel with the one you love. Hisoka had never felt so happy in his entire life as he did that night.

~~~~~

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"The heart I've forgotten somewhere is starting to hurt a little. I keep searching for you in a night lit by the stars that are bound to that time."

"Tsuzuki?"

"Yes, Hisoka?"

Hisoka felt Tsuzuki's gentle fingers stroking his hair, and his heart sped up a little.

"Can it stay like this? Can things really stay this way?"

Hisoka was worried that Tsuzuki would end up leaving him one day; that all of this was too good to be true, and would one day shatter...

"I will love you forever, Hisoka."

"I love you, too, Tsuzuki," Hisoka whispered. He couldn't see Tsuzuki's smile in the dark, but he knew it was there. He felt Tsuzuki's hand caress his cheek; and Tsuzuki's arm around him....

Like this, forever?

Yes.

That's what I wanted.

Thank you for breaking the barrier around my heart, Tsuzuki.

~~~~~


End file.
